Some of my favorites jokes in English language

Trip to Australia

An Englishman flies to Australia and arrives at the security desk.
“Do you have any alcohol, food or explosives in your bag, sir?” asks the guard.
“Absolutely not,” responds the Englishman
“Are you a member of any political or terrorist organizations, sir?” continues the guard
“Definitely not,” retorts the Englishman
“Finally, sir. Do you have a criminal record?”
“By God, man. I didn’t know you still needed one!” exclaimed the English gent.

Old enough to start swearing

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?”, says the 7 year old, “I think it’s bloody well time we started swearing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
“When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?”
“Ok” the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
They go downstairs for breakfast. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
“Oh, shit mum, I guess I’ll have some Coco Pops”
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice:
“And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops”

Dirty jokes protest

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said:
“In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night.”
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them:
“Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn’t take off until the day after tomorrow.”

Radio Show Subversion

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”?

Job Interview

On Job Interview, employer is asking his potentional employee:
“Tell me the worst feature you have.”
“Hm…I guess I’m too honest.”
“Too honest? I don’t think this is your worst feature you have.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”